Bent and broken, I crawled out of bed, making my way to the faucet. I knew cold water would only snap me out of it a few seconds, but I needed to feel something other than despair. I felt a little relief going to the bathroom. It was proof that something in my body was working correctly, and I needed to know that because my mind was failing me. I had been depressed for six months. My mind could no longer jumpstart itself without delay. After three tragic experiences, I did not know how to relate to the world. I could no longer identify with the carefree person I used to be. I had become the victim of my tragic circumstances. I was still the daughter crying on the soil of her father’s grave, the mother who collapsed on the tile floor at Children’s Hospital, and the patient, twisting in pain with an oxygen mask covering her nose and mouth. I was the despair of those three women and nothing more.
I prayed occasionally and went to church most Sundays, but I still could not separate myself from my experiences. Then one day, while washing dishes, I wailed like someone had stolen one of my children. My despair was so great, I could not stand. My failed mind was winning. I was losing control.
At that moment, I cried, “If you are real, Jesus, why won’t you help me?!”
I prayed and asked God to please help me come back to Him. The next day, while walking through a parking lot, I found a tattered book on the asphalt. The back of the book read, This book will teach you how to come back to God. In awe, I flipped it over with my foot, read the title, and slipped it in my purse. I read it in a matter of days, and I also read the Bible daily and prayed consistently. During that time, God revealed Himself to me in so many different ways; I could not deny His presence in my life.
God helped me take my focus off of myself by placing people in my life who were justifiably depressed. I am not saying that I was depressed without reason, but I realized there would always be someone else who needed more help than I did. God introduced me to those people. The more I helped them and talked to them about Christ, the better I felt and the closer I got to God. So, even if you are a little sad, a little worried, or a little dissatisfied, focus on someone other than yourself. God is with you and you will see better days if you do not give up. Stand tall.
By Shawn R. Jones,
Author of the devotional book, Pictures in Glass Frames http://t.co/BxiNwWRG
and the poetry chapbook, Womb Rain,